from the Darkest Depths of Depression to the Dawning of Delight

"It is good to give thanks to the Lord, and to sing praises to Thy name, O Most High; to declare Thy lovingkindness in the morning, and Thy faithfulness by night." Psalm 92:1-2

I've recently been thinking about my life, what it could have been, and what it is, only because of God's grace. I'm reminded that people, where I live, have only seen the person I am now, not the person I was before learning how to love God with all of my heart, soul and mind. I want God to have the glory. It's His strength that is perfect, I am far from it!

"The Lord is my strength and my shield; my heart trusts in Him , and I am helped; therefore my heart exults, and with my song I shall thank Him." Psalm 28:7

Although God has brought me to the point I'm at, I have much further to go. I've learned that whatever I do though, that I really cannot do it on my own strength. This is part of my journey.

There was a period of my life, right after our 2nd child was born, that I felt extremely overwhelmed and spiraled into a severe bout of depression. We'd had 2 children within 12 months of each other. While tiredness and hormones surely played a part in it initially, it soon became a severe spiritual problem. The following 3 years were the darkest of my life. I'm certain that I made life miserable for those closest to me as well. I depended upon my own strength, struggling on a daily basis to get out of bed, care for my family, and love others. I failed at the latter two miserably.

It wasn't until I was pregnant with our 3rd child that I began hearing what God was trying to tell me. I recall literally feeling as though I was being begged to rely on Him, to go to bed with a thankful heart, and wake up ready to lean into Him for strength and guidance for each moment of my day.

I still allowed my stubbornness and laziness to get in the way though.

Then, our 3rd baby was born. My delivery with him was like no other I'd experienced. His umbilical cord came out, and I ended up having to have an emergency c-section. I remember lying on the bed, the nurse literally straddling me, having to manually keep the baby in the womb, and me crying out to God, "Please, let my baby live." When I woke up (I had to be put under general anesthesia), the first voice I heard was the nurse telling me that I had a beautiful baby boy. Despite the extreme physical pain I was in, I remember laying there, crying joyful tears, and telling God that I was His, me and my family. I knew right then and there that things were going to be different. Different, not because I was going to make them, but different because  I was going to truly rely on God to make them different. I was ready to do more than just hear, I was ready to listen. I knew that it meant that I would need to spend a lot of time in prayer, thanking God for what He'd blessed me with, and that He would teach me how to care for the people and the things around me. I knew that He was prompting me to truly listen to Him, through His Word, as well as going through each day aware of His presence in my life, hearing and listening to the Holy Spirit. He was willing to guide me through every moment, from lifting my head from my pillow, to teaching my children, loving my husband, doing chores, and every detail in between. In fact, He wasn't only willing, He desired to be my guide.

"For such is our God, our God forever and ever; He will guide us until death."
Psalm 48:14

"To give to His people the knowledge of salvation by the forgiveness of their sins, because of the tender mercy of our God, with which the Sunrise from on high shall visit us, to shine upon those who sit in darkness and the shadow of death, to guide our feet into the way of peace." Luke 1:77-79

From there on, I've honestly realized the joy of my salvation. God has brought me on a journey, a journey that, thankfully, isn't over until the day I stand before Him. He is continuing to lead me. It isn't always easy, but He is my daily strength and sustain. I delight in serving Him with my life.

"Delight yourself in the Lord, and He will give you the desires of your heart." Psalm 37:4

Are there moments, in my humanness, that I fail? Absolutely.

It's only when I begin to be stubborn, and depend upon my own thoughts and desires, that I begin to struggle. But, when I willingly submit to what He's telling me, through His Word, and the Holy Spirit, I don't become easily overwhelmed. He is my overwhelming peace.

"Be anxious for nothing, but in everything by prayer and supplication with thanksgiving let your requests be made known to God. And the peace of God, which surpasses all comprehension, shall guard your hearts and your minds in Christ Jesus." Phil. 4:6-7

"The Lord is my strength and song, and He has become my salvation; this is my God, and I will praise Him; my father's God, and I will extol Him." Exodus 15:2