my eyes are on you.

little did i know the past weeks, er months, would bring deep down wrestling. the kind that hurts and rips heart muscles jagged. wrestling when i stand and stomp in toddler-like ways, stating "i don't feel like it". the kind when everything about where you are screams comfort and you wouldn't change a thing, but God has other plans. when you have the maddening audacity to remind God what he's done here and that you think it's pretty good, and that he surely wouldn't have a need for us to move. you reason that our church here is wonderful, and we need to be part of it. but the wrestling match is relentless, and when rubber meets road you have to relent and admit that God is up to something. he always is. and something new is stirring in your heart, but it's going to require letting go and heart wrenching goodbyes. so, i finally stopped wrestling, and relinquished my stubborn heart to whatever his plans would bring. and don't you know, they brought enormous change.

but relinquish of my plans brings rest in the midst of his plans.

and those heart muscles ripped thin? they are mended by the one who sewed them first. and healing begins..weakness replaced by strength. strength to pack up and ready a house for it's next owner. strength to look loved ones straight in the eye and say "i love you, and i am going to miss you, but it's going to be okay. God is doing something new, not only in us and where we're going, but here as well. and, ultimately, it's going to be good. he doesn't do bad things." strength that has allowed tears of anguish and tears of joy and excitement to intermix. strength that is only possible by God, through God.

his is the only perfect strength, and i am so weak without him.

the night before we announced our leaving to our church, i was cutting my boy's hair. on my fourth head, and them constantly looking to the mirror for an update or to make sure Mom was doing it correctly, i found myself repeating a phrase. and that last time i said it, it sang to my heart and i knew that God had spoken it directly to me. "I need you to keep your eyes on me." 

 later that night, my sweet friend posts a song "It is Well", and my heart is reminded again that "through it all, my eyes are on you." , then the next day, following the announcement, the elder chooses "Turn Your Eyes Upon Jesus" to close a very.hard.morning. 

 my eyes are on him. i don't claim to understand, but i trust him.